Thursday, September 30, 2010

Guess who's back, back again, Hannah's back, tell your friends :)

I mean I thought it would be appropriate to quote my fav artist for the title of this post :) So it has been almost 1 whole year since I posted on this thing and I'm going to try again because I think that the "blogging world" if thats what you call it could be really supportive? Plus I feel like it's probably good if I can express what I'm thinking and perhaps get some feedback. I'm not really sure but I'm going to give it a shot, because why not!? what do I really have to lose? So I'll give you all a little update about what has gone down over the last year. Basically, I really haven't made all that much progress in my "recovery" if that's what you want to call it. I haven't exactly fully committed. Every time I start to go in the right direction it just all becomes SO overwhelming and I just go right back downhill and find myself in the same position that I was in before. I've been on this roller coaster for a very very long time and I think everyone, including myself, is starting to get really frustrated.
I thought I would add a nice visual for y'all :)
So anywaysss, I'm getting really sick of this up and down roller coaster and I just need to commit 100% to ED, or recovery. It sounds so simple but it's really really not.
I'm really angry with myself because one year ago tomorrow I was admitted to CEDC, and although I have learned a lot about myself in the last year, I really don't feel as though I've made all that much progress. I kind of feel just really really stuck.
School is really challenging for me and as soon as I came back to school last semester I lost all of the weight that I had gained while in treatment. I did really well this summer, but it has been very hard coming back to school and not just falling back into my same old patterns. I'm definitely trying, and taking each day one meal at a time.

my friends have been amazingly supportive over the last year, but I could not have survived without my lil sis by my side. We have become so much closer since I went to treatment. I think because when I got really sick we both realized how important we were to one another. We now are together whenever possible, and we text allll dayy everyday! we get super weirded out when it's been a whole day and we've barely talked! She is such an amazing role model for me because she is just so comfortable with herself and she knows what she wants. I just love being around her and her super positive attitude. It's wonderful knowing that I will always have her by my side :)

me and my beautifully wild sister :) i just love her so much!

She and my other siblings are a huge motivator for me because I always want to be around to support them, and I don't want them to have to see me in pain anymore. It is so hard for me to hurt my family in the wayss that I do. I hate when they see me sick, and scarred. ED just has soooo much control over me after all these years.

That has been something else that I have been struggling with. Since I have had my eating disorder since I was about 5 years old, I really have no idea what life is like without it. My eating disorder has become my crutch through everything and I know that nothing will ever work the same. It is hard for me to just trust that giving up my eating disorder will make me happier, and allow me to lead a more fulfilling life. I try my hardest to trust my team, but when I have no memory of life before it makes it really difficult to believe that it is possible for me.

Oh, another thing that has happened over the last year; I have become completely, 100% addicted to coffeee. I just love it so much and I drink wayyy too many coffees in one day. It's really a problem, but I don't care.

I am currently trying to remind myself that I have so many goals and plans for my life, and none of them will happen with my eating disorder. That is sometimes hard to believe because i've gotten this far with it, but I know that that won't be possible forever. Plus, I'm not reallyy living. I'm just trying to surround myself with supportive people, and fill my life with fun so that I can try to motivate myself to choose recovery.
I'm going to try to be better about posting from now on:) we will see how it goes!


  1. glad you are back! and just remember- roller coasters can be fun.

  2. haha thank ya girlfriend :) I do enjoy roller coasters!

  3. aww hannah, I haven't talked to you in forever. miss you lots!!
    Hang in there, it will get better :)

  4. aww thank ya Betty! yeahh we need to catch up soon!

  5. I totally understand how frustrating things can get with treatment and feeling like you haven't made any progress. But hang in there, things will get better.

    p.s. I found your blog through Carly's. I was at CEDC too- I hate that place haha