Sunday, October 4, 2009

hangin in there...

Today started off pretty good.  I was happy even though I was really really full.  We passed some time working on inspirational quote signs for the walls and just hanging out and chatting about non-food related life stuff. haha.  I also played a quality game of scattegories with my girls jenny and anna. That was fun; i havent played that game in a long time.

Lunch was difficult and afterwards I had to take some meds which made me feel kind of crappy. It was difficult because there were only like 3 of us who were compliant and it just kind of made us feel like bad about the fact that we ate and everyone didn't.  It kind of makes me feel like I'm failing my ED but I know that those are thoughts that I have because of ED and I tried to push them out as best I could.   I got really dizzy from the PRN and I was kind of out of it (its a new medicine).  I was really really excited because my mom, favorite aunt in the whole wide world, and my lil sister were coming to visit!!! I had a good visit with them even though I was really out of it.  Whenever I talk to my aunt she always keeps me motivated.  She's such an important person in my life.  

I was pretty stressed out still after they left so I decided that I was going to do some journaling and write a letter to my therapist cuz she's the best and I miss her.  Later on we wanted to distract ourselves because we were all kinda sad so we tried to play taboo but that just made it worse because it was really hard so we just hung around and chat.  I'm really starting to get close to some of the girls here and its really great to have that support of someone who's going through it at the same time.

Dinner was a little stressful because it's Boloco night which is a restaurant that we have to order from.  My salad had dressing on it. I got over it though and anna, jenny and I distracted ourselves after dinner by working on a puzzle.  My plan is that snack is going to go smoothly and I hope to be able to get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight because I'm pretty tired.  Shout out to my girl Julia: you're gonna get through this even though it really sucks! you're a beautiful person and anyone deserving of you should feel lucky to have you :)

stay strong lovely ladies-lifes tough sometimes but the adversity only makes us stronger.

Friday, October 2, 2009

dearest ED

so ladies...Today is my first full day at CECD. It's been alright but a little stressful.  I woke up this morning at like 730 and had do weight and vitals.  Then I showered and we had BREAKFAST: for breakfast this morning I had half a portion of kashi crunch cereal with 4 0z. of low fat milk and 1 and a half servings of almonds.  Breakfast was alright but a little stressful still because of the milk situation. I'm doing alright though. At SNACK i had an apple.  Snack was really really difficult today and I almost didn't make it through but my girlfriend Jenny was really encouraging.  I think it was just so tough because I still felt so full from breakfast.  Then I met with the nurse and when over some basic nurse stuff...good times.  But THEN I had to do my menu for the next week and that has just been soooo overwhelming.  With all the different choices, or lack of choices sometimes, i get stressed.  But I was really really proud of myself because I chose to have half of a banana for morning snack someday next week to challenge myself. After that i had to go to journaling with Folly. that was interesting.  I found that I was actually really emotional about what some of the other girls were saying and then also became really emotional when i read my letter to ED. I'll share with you ladies what I wrote and maybe it could get you thinking about your own struggles:

Dear ED,

I'm through with you.  I've had enough of your bullshit and I don't want to hurt anymore.  I know that I can feel loved if i just rid myself of you.  There are so many other people in my life who love me, and although you claim to love me I know that can't actually be the truth with everything that you put me through.  I'm missing out on having a full and happy life because of you.  You only bring me down.  You made me have to leave school-one of my favorite places in the whole world! I love to learn and now you've tried to take that from me.  I WILL do some learning anyway.  I'm going to take this time to learn about myself and what I, Hannah, want out of life, NOT what you ED want for me.  Not only are you ruining my future ED, but youre trying to make me struggle with everything! You made snack SO difficult for me today. It was an apple ED! It's healthy. I need that to think and grow and LIVE! Please don't take that from me anymore-please just let me go.  I want to live my life in peace and be happy. Please just let me have that.  I know I could be great, but you're just holding me back right now and I think it's time I try to move on.  Not only for me, ED, but for my family.  I know that it pains them to have to watch me go through this and I don't want them to hurt; they don't deserve it.  I don't deserve this!  My life was not my fault.  I did nothing to deserve what happened, it just did-none of it was because of my inadequacy and it was beyond my control.  I'm sick of paying this price and I'm done.  You've ruined my past, challenged my present, but you WILL NOT ruin my future.  I will not play your games anymore or listen to your false promises.

With Hope and Determination,



Reading this letter out loud made me absolutely break down and cry.  I felt good afterwards though.  I realized that I need to let those feelings out because keeping them inside only continues to hurt me.  I'm going to keep this letter as a reminder so that when I'm feeling discouraged in my recovery I can turn to it as a reminder of what ED has taken from me, and what I plan on gaining through getting better.


After that group I went to LUNCH.  Lunch was good.  I didn't feel as anxious because it was mostly foods that I'm comfortable with.  I had half of a wheat wrap that had hummus, lettuce, tomato, and a little bit of avocado in it.  I also had a portion of cooked green beans.  The orange juice was a little stressful because I'm not used to beverages with calories.


After lunch I had interpersonal effectiveness where we talked about being assertive. Then we had Nutrition and we talked about the importance of fats and what they do that is healthy for our body. lots of good things :) It's also okay to indulge if something tastes good (i.e. birthday cake).


Then I had my afternoon SNACK of grapes. that was fine. now worries.  I enjoy grapes.

Tonight we had cooking for fun where we had to prepare our own meal.  We made quesadillas with black beans and cheese and quacamole on the side.  We also had stir fry peppers mushrooms and onions that I prepared! haha I'm not that talented.  eating DINNER was a little stressful because I actually was aware of what I was eating which for some people makes it easier but it made it harder for me to be compliant.  I stuck it out and was though! After din din my parents came to visit which was nice and i just told em about everything ive been up to.

For evening SNACK I had and apple.  It was fine.  I wasn't really anxious at snack.  Then we had wrap up which was entertaining and now im going to head off to bed shortly! Hopefully I can sleep tonight! Tomorrow's going to be a good day! :)