"If anyone were to as me what I want out of life I would say- the opportunity of doing something useful" -Eleanor Roosevelt

I have so many goals, and so many ambitions.  I have always been an extremely goal oriented person. I want to graduate from St. A's, I want to go to grad school, and I want to get my phD in clinical psychology.  I want to be able to help people struggle through the same things that I have had to struggle with in my lifetime.  I cant do that if i dont get my life in order.

I was thinking about this this morning on my ride to school when i was contemplating my days worth of calories (i know exciting huh?)  I cant keep on living like this if i want to do something productive with my life.  Its just so frustrating because that doesnt seem to be enough for me. I want to do all of these things and i want to enjoy doing them.  But how can I if all I can do is starve myself, calculate BMI and count calories.  What good is that ever going to do?  I know all of this and I want all of those things for myself I just wish it was enough to make me stop... If thats not enough im not sure what is...

Oh where do I begin?

well...this is my first post on this thing thanks to Carly of course:)

this is my recovery blog...my recovery from my forever, never ending, life consuming battle with the horrible part of me I call ED.  For 10 years i have been unable to free myself from this destructive relationship. Every time i pull away ED just comes back that much stronger.  I know this much if it weren't for my friends, family and my recovery team, while mostly Monika I wouldn't be where I'm at right now which is much better than I have been in the past.  Everydays a struggle but I hope (atleast halfheartedly right now) that someday I'll be free from my relationship with ED and live a normal and healthy life.  I'm not really sure what that is because i can't really remember my life before ED.  Every moment of everyday is consumed with thoughts of calories and weight and excercise and such intense fear about those things.

I'm struggling. Right now i feel as though im failing and each day is getting harder and harder to keep pushing through.  I look to my best friends in the whole wide world Carly and Jamie (who both understand what its like to suffer from this relationship) to get me through each day.  I love them both so much and they'll never know how much I appreciate them in my life. 

Life is just so fucking complicated.  Is trying to sort it all out really worth it? Thats where i need a lot of convincing.  

I just wish that people wouldn't judge.  most days i feel judged. people dont understand. they think that eating disorders are vain an all about appearance...but theyre not. they are so so so much more.  more than I can even understand.  I just wish that I didn't feel like i couldn't share this horrible struggle with other people.  Its taken me a long time to get to where im at.  It took me the first 9 years of my eating disorder to even be able to breach the subject with my parents.  

"I hope that you can understand that this is not what I had planned."