http://hannahwatkins.wordpress.com/

I switched to wordpress so follow me there!

what are you most excited about in your life right now?

what are you most excited about in your life right now?

Answer here

Recovery: myth or reality?

Hey ladiesss! So it has been kind of a wild last few days for me! I don't even really know where to begin... well let's start with Friday, shall we?

Friday I went to spend the night with my beautiful best friend Jamie. She is such an amazing person and radiates so much positive energy. She is one of the only people on this planet that I feel like I don't have to explain myself too because she just gets it! I don't know what I would do without her :)

This is a pic of us when we went camping this summer...it was just me and her eating our "bird" food and playin scrabble :)

So then, I decided that since I was in the area I would swing by my moms house to throw my laundry in and just say a quick hello! Well, that soon became a big mistake :( Let me backtrack a little. When I went to CEDC a year ago, I realized a lot of things about me and my mom's relationship. Just to make things simple, I realized it wasn't healthy. My mom has an eating disorder as well and she was in an IOP program in January. I separated myself from my mom almost completely last fall and I know that that was really hard for her; as it was very hard for me. Mostly just because I felt bad that she was so upset but I kept reminding myself that I needed to take that time for me. So lately I've been noticing that I've been becoming a lot more open with my mom and I've been sharing more of my feelings about my current situation. This is kind of scaring me because I'm not sure if I'm falling back into old habits, or if I really worked through a lot of the issues that I resented her for enough and am starting to repair our broken relationship. Anywaysss I was talking with her because she has been concerned and she said one of the worst things to me that anyone could ever sayyy! whenever people say this to me I get really really angry. She said, "hannah it's like any disease or addiction, it will never really go away, it will always be there with you."!!! NOOOOOO! I will not accept that! I absolutely will not. What is it all worth then?? there is no point to recovery if there really isn't any reality in recovery. No one could say they were recovered if that were true. I know through living breathing examples that that is not true. I think the hard part for me in hearing that is that I feel that way about my own recovery most days - that it will never be possible, and Ed will never be silenced. She tried to tell me that her therapist at her outpatient place told her that that was the case, and you want to know my response to that? She shouldn't be a therapist. My mom try to tell me that she was just being realistic! So what is real? Do I choose to listen to my mom who obviously really hasn't embraced recovery 100% or do I look too someone like my therapist as an example who is a living breathing RECOVERED anorexic. I think I'll go with my therapist, because otherwise, what's the point!?

After I left my mom's house (I don't live there by the wayyss if anyone was wondering - and precisely for that reason) I was really upset and so I texted my best friend Carly to tell her. She gave me the best advice; "Just nod, smile, and let it go." I tried to do that, mind you this was after the fact. I want to believe that this is possible, and that is probably why I spend more time with my therapist than I do with my mom (2hrs/week? definitely!). It was still really bothering me after I left. I kept thinking about what she said and I tried to just let it go but all of my doubts, or I guess Ed's nasty comments, kept popping into my head.

When I got back to school, I felt like I NEEDED to go to the gym because I had eaten certain things that I felt ashamed of and guilty for at my moms house. I thought about it for a moment and I was like you know what? This is exactly when I need to make the conscious decision not to go. I'm going because I feel like I need to, not because I WANT to.

That was big, and I knew it was so I was feeling really positive. Instead of going to the gym, I went to a sporting event with my amazing roomie Jenna. Later in the evening, we did a little shopping and ended up at Barnes & Noble. I really wanted a coffee so I was going to get one and then all of a sudden I was like you know what!? I'm going to challenge myself! and I got a Pumpkin Spice Latte!!

Now to most people that doesn't seem like a big deal, but for me it was HUGE! If you know mw, you know that I drink water, diet coke, and BLACK coffeee. That would be because I am absolutely terrified of caloric beverages; I know its weird but that's just one of my fears. Everyone raves about this latte so I figured what the hell!? why not? Well, now you may be wondering what I thought!? Honestly, I don't know if its because I'm just really used to drinking things so plain, or I just really don't like pumpkin, but it wasn't my favorite. I mean it wasn't bad, and I drank the whole thing :) but I don't think I'll be making a trip out of my way to get one anytime soon.

THEN, I wasn't going to have my nightly snack of frozen yogurt (gotta get my dairy) because I had the latte but I was like no hannah, a latte is not your snack, so I asked carly if we could stop to get that :) I even ate alllll of the candies that the girl put on it even though she put quite a few! The rest of my weekend went by wayyy too fast and now this week is going to be very stressful and very long. I have two midterms; stats and original exam :( My goal is to survive this week! I know it can be done :) I hope you ladiess have an enjoyable, and stress free week! No matter what anyone says, recovery is possible! We have to believe!

Guess who's back, back again, Hannah's back, tell your friends :)

I mean I thought it would be appropriate to quote my fav artist for the title of this post :) So it has been almost 1 whole year since I posted on this thing and I'm going to try again because I think that the "blogging world" if thats what you call it could be really supportive? Plus I feel like it's probably good if I can express what I'm thinking and perhaps get some feedback. I'm not really sure but I'm going to give it a shot, because why not!? what do I really have to lose? So I'll give you all a little update about what has gone down over the last year. Basically, I really haven't made all that much progress in my "recovery" if that's what you want to call it. I haven't exactly fully committed. Every time I start to go in the right direction it just all becomes SO overwhelming and I just go right back downhill and find myself in the same position that I was in before. I've been on this roller coaster for a very very long time and I think everyone, including myself, is starting to get really frustrated.

I thought I would add a nice visual for y'all :)

So anywaysss, I'm getting really sick of this up and down roller coaster and I just need to commit 100% to ED, or recovery. It sounds so simple but it's really really not.

I'm really angry with myself because one year ago tomorrow I was admitted to CEDC, and although I have learned a lot about myself in the last year, I really don't feel as though I've made all that much progress. I kind of feel just really really stuck.

School is really challenging for me and as soon as I came back to school last semester I lost all of the weight that I had gained while in treatment. I did really well this summer, but it has been very hard coming back to school and not just falling back into my same old patterns. I'm definitely trying, and taking each day one meal at a time.

my friends have been amazingly supportive over the last year, but I could not have survived without my lil sis by my side. We have become so much closer since I went to treatment. I think because when I got really sick we both realized how important we were to one another. We now are together whenever possible, and we text allll dayy everyday! we get super weirded out when it's been a whole day and we've barely talked! She is such an amazing role model for me because she is just so comfortable with herself and she knows what she wants. I just love being around her and her super positive attitude. It's wonderful knowing that I will always have her by my side :)

me and my beautifully wild sister :) i just love her so much!

She and my other siblings are a huge motivator for me because I always want to be around to support them, and I don't want them to have to see me in pain anymore. It is so hard for me to hurt my family in the wayss that I do. I hate when they see me sick, and scarred. ED just has soooo much control over me after all these years.

That has been something else that I have been struggling with. Since I have had my eating disorder since I was about 5 years old, I really have no idea what life is like without it. My eating disorder has become my crutch through everything and I know that nothing will ever work the same. It is hard for me to just trust that giving up my eating disorder will make me happier, and allow me to lead a more fulfilling life. I try my hardest to trust my team, but when I have no memory of life before it makes it really difficult to believe that it is possible for me.

Oh, another thing that has happened over the last year; I have become completely, 100% addicted to coffeee. I just love it so much and I drink wayyy too many coffees in one day. It's really a problem, but I don't care.

I am currently trying to remind myself that I have so many goals and plans for my life, and none of them will happen with my eating disorder. That is sometimes hard to believe because i've gotten this far with it, but I know that that won't be possible forever. Plus, I'm not reallyy living. I'm just trying to surround myself with supportive people, and fill my life with fun so that I can try to motivate myself to choose recovery.

I'm going to try to be better about posting from now on:) we will see how it goes!

hangin in there...

Today started off pretty good.  I was happy even though I was really really full.  We passed some time working on inspirational quote signs for the walls and just hanging out and chatting about non-food related life stuff. haha.  I also played a quality game of scattegories with my girls jenny and anna. That was fun; i havent played that game in a long time.

Lunch was difficult and afterwards I had to take some meds which made me feel kind of crappy. It was difficult because there were only like 3 of us who were compliant and it just kind of made us feel like bad about the fact that we ate and everyone didn't.  It kind of makes me feel like I'm failing my ED but I know that those are thoughts that I have because of ED and I tried to push them out as best I could.   I got really dizzy from the PRN and I was kind of out of it (its a new medicine).  I was really really excited because my mom, favorite aunt in the whole wide world, and my lil sister were coming to visit!!! I had a good visit with them even though I was really out of it.  Whenever I talk to my aunt she always keeps me motivated.  She's such an important person in my life.  

I was pretty stressed out still after they left so I decided that I was going to do some journaling and write a letter to my therapist cuz she's the best and I miss her.  Later on we wanted to distract ourselves because we were all kinda sad so we tried to play taboo but that just made it worse because it was really hard so we just hung around and chat.  I'm really starting to get close to some of the girls here and its really great to have that support of someone who's going through it at the same time.

Dinner was a little stressful because it's Boloco night which is a restaurant that we have to order from.  My salad had dressing on it. I got over it though and anna, jenny and I distracted ourselves after dinner by working on a puzzle.  My plan is that snack is going to go smoothly and I hope to be able to get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight because I'm pretty tired.  Shout out to my girl Julia: you're gonna get through this even though it really sucks! you're a beautiful person and anyone deserving of you should feel lucky to have you :)

stay strong lovely ladies-lifes tough sometimes but the adversity only makes us stronger.

dearest ED

so ladies...Today is my first full day at CECD. It's been alright but a little stressful.  I woke up this morning at like 730 and had do weight and vitals.  Then I showered and we had BREAKFAST: for breakfast this morning I had half a portion of kashi crunch cereal with 4 0z. of low fat milk and 1 and a half servings of almonds.  Breakfast was alright but a little stressful still because of the milk situation. I'm doing alright though. At SNACK i had an apple.  Snack was really really difficult today and I almost didn't make it through but my girlfriend Jenny was really encouraging.  I think it was just so tough because I still felt so full from breakfast.  Then I met with the nurse and when over some basic nurse stuff...good times.  But THEN I had to do my menu for the next week and that has just been soooo overwhelming.  With all the different choices, or lack of choices sometimes, i get stressed.  But I was really really proud of myself because I chose to have half of a banana for morning snack someday next week to challenge myself. After that i had to go to journaling with Folly. that was interesting.  I found that I was actually really emotional about what some of the other girls were saying and then also became really emotional when i read my letter to ED. I'll share with you ladies what I wrote and maybe it could get you thinking about your own struggles:

Dear ED,

I'm through with you.  I've had enough of your bullshit and I don't want to hurt anymore.  I know that I can feel loved if i just rid myself of you.  There are so many other people in my life who love me, and although you claim to love me I know that can't actually be the truth with everything that you put me through.  I'm missing out on having a full and happy life because of you.  You only bring me down.  You made me have to leave school-one of my favorite places in the whole world! I love to learn and now you've tried to take that from me.  I WILL do some learning anyway.  I'm going to take this time to learn about myself and what I, Hannah, want out of life, NOT what you ED want for me.  Not only are you ruining my future ED, but youre trying to make me struggle with everything! You made snack SO difficult for me today. It was an apple ED! It's healthy. I need that to think and grow and LIVE! Please don't take that from me anymore-please just let me go.  I want to live my life in peace and be happy. Please just let me have that.  I know I could be great, but you're just holding me back right now and I think it's time I try to move on.  Not only for me, ED, but for my family.  I know that it pains them to have to watch me go through this and I don't want them to hurt; they don't deserve it.  I don't deserve this!  My life was not my fault.  I did nothing to deserve what happened, it just did-none of it was because of my inadequacy and it was beyond my control.  I'm sick of paying this price and I'm done.  You've ruined my past, challenged my present, but you WILL NOT ruin my future.  I will not play your games anymore or listen to your false promises.

With Hope and Determination,

Hannah

 

Reading this letter out loud made me absolutely break down and cry.  I felt good afterwards though.  I realized that I need to let those feelings out because keeping them inside only continues to hurt me.  I'm going to keep this letter as a reminder so that when I'm feeling discouraged in my recovery I can turn to it as a reminder of what ED has taken from me, and what I plan on gaining through getting better.

 

After that group I went to LUNCH.  Lunch was good.  I didn't feel as anxious because it was mostly foods that I'm comfortable with.  I had half of a wheat wrap that had hummus, lettuce, tomato, and a little bit of avocado in it.  I also had a portion of cooked green beans.  The orange juice was a little stressful because I'm not used to beverages with calories.

 

After lunch I had interpersonal effectiveness where we talked about being assertive. Then we had Nutrition and we talked about the importance of fats and what they do that is healthy for our body. lots of good things :) It's also okay to indulge if something tastes good (i.e. birthday cake).

 

Then I had my afternoon SNACK of grapes. that was fine. now worries.  I enjoy grapes.

Tonight we had cooking for fun where we had to prepare our own meal.  We made quesadillas with black beans and cheese and quacamole on the side.  We also had stir fry peppers mushrooms and onions that I prepared! haha I'm not that talented.  eating DINNER was a little stressful because I actually was aware of what I was eating which for some people makes it easier but it made it harder for me to be compliant.  I stuck it out and was though! After din din my parents came to visit which was nice and i just told em about everything ive been up to.

For evening SNACK I had and apple.  It was fine.  I wasn't really anxious at snack.  Then we had wrap up which was entertaining and now im going to head off to bed shortly! Hopefully I can sleep tonight! Tomorrow's going to be a good day! :)

rock bottom?

well i think that time has finally come.  They say you'll want to make a change when you hit rock bottom...I had to give up what I have always put first in my life (besides ED of course) and thats SCHOOL! I've always set these high standards and goals for myself, and doing well in school was my way to one day reach them. ED had never really gotten in my way. I mean my reading gets slower and more difficult but i always just put a little extra time in it and it works itself out.  My body has had enough.  its been 10 long years and it doesnt want to take it anymore. I finally had to leave school to go to treatment.  It was, and is continuing to be, the hardest decision that I have ever made in my life.  I NEVER AGAIN want ED to get in the way of my dreams and ambitions.  He has held me back too long and I am DONE! Tomorrow morning I go to CEDC to hopefully begin a one month stay in the residential program. I am ready to fight.  I'm not saying its going to be easy but I know that I want this and that I am ready.  I am ready to take control of my life and LIVE. The shit that I've been through in my life doesn't matter. I'm gonna take those experiences and I'm going to learn from them and use them for good.  I am NOT a victim, I am a survivor. I know that I can do this with all of the support from my family and friends, but I also realize that the responsibility for change lies with me.  I am the only one who can change me. And I plan on it.  I WILL NOT live this way any longer.  I'm nervous and unsure but I am determined. I will fight and I will win!

wish me luck :)